Some of these may be new. I love them. Because Chuck Norris bids me to.
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Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
# If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
# A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
# When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
# When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
# Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
I know this one is old for sure, but I’m including it because I like it so much….
# On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
# Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
# Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his butt kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
# The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
# It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
# James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
# Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
# Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
# Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
# Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.
# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.
# Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.
# The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Sauron halfway through the first chapter.
# Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
# If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
# Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
# Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
# Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
# In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
# When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.
# Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
# Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
# If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.
# MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.
# What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
# There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.
# Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
# It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
# Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
# It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.
# Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
# Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
# When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.
# Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
# Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
# In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.
# With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
# Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
# If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
# Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.
# Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"
# When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
# There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
# Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
# The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.
Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.
# Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
# Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
# Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
# When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.
# Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.
# When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.
# Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.
# In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."
During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.
# Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
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